“Someone disappearing on you doesn’t reflect your worth, it reflects their fear of being ‘seen’” – Unknown
Wow…doesn’t that quote just resonate with you? As the holidays begin, you can imagine that emotional rollercoaster of, should I ask that person I’m seeing to family dinner? Where do I stand with this person? Should I ask? Then, sometimes, they disappear without warning. And the emotional rollercoaster ensues. Is it something I did?
No, it’s called ghosting, or getting ghosted. What is ghosting? From the dictionary: the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.
Students and friends alike have asked me a multitude of questions about modern dating, whether it be about online or in person dating. Something I have heard so much about recently is ghosting and getting ghosted. This is something that can potentially be really emotionally damaging to whoever gets ghosted (the Ghostee), and even the ghoster. So, I find it important to talk about why people ghost, how to know you’re getting ghosted, how to move on after the fact, and if you are the ghoster, what you should say instead.
There are really only a few reasons people ghost, and they boil down to confidence. People are afraid of rejection, confrontation, and all of the other things that play a huge role in ending any level of relationship. For people who fear those things, it is easier to leave someone without having to give proper closure to the relationship and their partner. While this may be easier for the person doing the ghosting, it can cause a lot of emotional harm for the person subjected to the ghosting.
When you walk into DDF, you learn integral skills that not only help with dance, but in your practical life as well. By learning to dance and getting fit through physical activity, you learn discipline and develop to be even more mature in your interpersonal relationships. Carrying these mindsets with you to modern relationships in your life can not only improve what you get out of them, but your communication skills within them.
Ghosting often comes with tell tale signs, like short answers one moment and a flood of attention and compliments the next. The Ghoster will most likely want to leave you on a good note so they don’t feel as guilty, when in reality a result of ghosting can be feeling odd and incomplete. You’re now left with, what happened?
When all is said and done, ghosting is not a reflection of who you (the Ghostee) are or how good of a partner you were. Ghosting is the result of one party in the relationship not being able to accept or properly deal with how they are feeling. Think of Jack Nicholson, “You can’t handle the truth!” By gaining maturity, self awareness and mindfulness you can avoid being in these positions and spot them from a mile away.
But, if you are the Ghoster, here is what you can say instead of ghosting:
“I had a really nice time with you, but, my priorities have suddenly changed, and I’m removing myself from the dating scene. Out of respect for my time and yours, I wanted to let you know my energy has to be redirected. Be well.”
Transparency is key. Let’s all try and be more communicative instead of ghosting. And respect one another!
If you are the Ghostee, now that you know the tips on whether you’re about to be ghosted, you can also communicate the following:
“I really enjoyed getting to know you, but since your communication is inconsistent, I’m starting to lose connection with you and it might be healthier to let you go. I appreciate the time we spent together, have a good one.”
Coming to DDF, learning your worth and your voice, and leaving a better partner and communicator is only part of our goal for you. This is a self-love journey. You also deserve to receive love, and if that’s what you’re looking for in a relationship, you can find it! With these tips you can be more prepared and gain more confidence out there! Good luck!